family momma

I miss you Momma aka Granny

11:16 PMApril Clements

I love you so much Momma and I miss you everyday!

I have been trying to write this for months. So sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled up. Me and my mom always found writing our thoughts therapeutic. It was one of our things. 

So here it goes... 

   I miss you Momma AKA Granny and Me AKA Momma. You started calling me Momma at 14 years old. When I shocked you with the news that your innocent daughter told you that you were going to be a Granny and you were now about to raise a teenage mom. You started dreaming of a baby before I even told you I was pregnant and that the baby was on you loved you like you were their mom but in your dreams you knew it wasn't  your baby. This was our special little joke. From then on I was the Momma now and your were Granny and you loved it. 

   I will never forget riding in the car to high school at the start of my 9th grade year of highschool. Only a few weeks in... I was able to hide my pregnancy from you for almost 5 full months. But that ride from Hephzibah to drop me off at Jessica Bales house... I threw up. You knew I never threw up. You put two and two together and you knew. You just knew. I was terrified. You didn't get mad at me. You let me climb in your lap in the car on the side of Highway 56 and just let me cry. You cried too. I don't know your reasons for crying for because you didn't share them. I have some ideas since I am a parent myself now. But when I looked up at you and asked what I was going to do.... you smiled at me. You said it was my decision and you supported me no matter what I wanted to do. You took a day off work and me a day of school and we went home and just talked about the seriousness of our situation. And it was relief to know I wasn't in this alone anymore. I didn't have to carry this on my own. I remember telling you it didn't seem real that I was about to be a mother. I was so naive. We talked about abortions but I was in my 2nd trimester and you explained how dangerous and risky it would be but you would pay the money and take me to Atlanta if that's what I truly wanted. You told me if I put the baby up for adoption...  you would adopt the baby and no one need know it was mine. You were so supportive of me and my decisions. Ultimately... we kept my son like we both truly wanted. And I thank you everyday for being the type of mother you were that understood things like this can happen and supporting me. For being understanding and not being mad at me that I your teenage daughter got pregnant. 

I didn't know anything about babies or parenting. I was going along with cheer-leading try outs, competitions and camps that whole summer pregnant. I know you had to of known something between the dreams and  then me springing it on you that I did not want to go to Cross Creek High School. I wanted to attend the Academy of Richmond County. Also know as Richmond or ARC. It was not all fancy as the name would have you think. This was a School that was old. Had its own history. Cross Creek High was a BRAND NEW SCHOOL! I would of been part of the first class of students to go there. But I knew I was pregnant and I didn't want anyone to know so I lied to you and told you I didn't want to cheer anymore. You supported that even though you knew it was a passion of mine. And thought we had put so many years and money into it. 

       You were wonderful with Tyler and me. I know I laid A LOT on you. But you took in stride. You made sure we never missed a single day when he was in the Nicu. You would bring your work clothes, me my school clothes and we would sleep in the family room when Tyler was sick. When Christmas rolled around and he was still in the hospital... and they were telling us he only had  48hrs to live.... you had the Augusta mall Santa Claus come to the hospital and see him. You called churches, radio stations, had people at the VA where you worked praying for my son. You started a prayer chain that I believe saved my sons life. We spent Christmas in the hotel across the street from the hospital so we could be there in case something happened. But Tyler was a fighter too. He made it through. I believe his strength and God knowing so many people were praying for this baby. Thank you if I never told you. 

         I remember coming home from the hospital FINALLY with Tyler... And we were listening to this song... Shania Twain - Looks Like We Made It. You looked at me and said this fits us perfectly. This is OUR song. Mine hers and Tylers. We made it. With the complications of his birth... My mom almost lost me. I cant imagine what she felt like having to make the decision the doctors asked of her. She said save her daughter if worse came to worse but she told him I wouldn't need saving and neither would my son. We would both make it. She had faith in the Lord regardless of what she did in the past and future. She believed.

I miss you so darn much. When you got into the motorcycle accident on September 4, 2016 and I realized how severe it was.... I thought my life was over. I never really felt like that before. I knew that you would never be the same once you came out on the other side. I knew we were in for a battle and so were you. You fought so hard. Your you.... you don't know how to do anything but fight. You have always been strong. I just knew you would make it. I just knew it. And you did get better after many surgeries and procedures. You were sent to from Grady hospital to Crestview Rehab you were doing so good. 

When you called me on March 10th. It was the first time you and I were able to have a conversation since September. It was so much better than me sending you videos and pictures and voice messages which I had been doing for awhile since you learned how to work your phone and Facebook messenger again. But anyways...

 It was like you were you again after months of not being you. I had my mom back. We talked for almost a hour until your phone started dying. We were planning for your future. You wanted me to find your pink Superman shirt I bought you. You loved it. I have always thought you were superman in my house. Forget super woman. You were my mother, father, best friend... Sometimes the bane of my existence. Which I won't get into here because I don't want to think about past wrongs. You wanted a writing journal and some more comfy clothes to wear. We were so darn close to having you back home. Well in a facility that was in the same town as your family. And I should've known something was up because you didn't seem as excited as you should of been. I don't know if it's because you had given up hope. I can't see you giving up hope even though you hated Hospitals and didn't want to be alone at one ever. I don't see you deciding to give up your hope and strength. You had so much of it.  Or it could because of your intuition that you have always had. Did you know your time was coming? Was that why God allowed you to have the speaking device attached again and it actually worked this time? When all the other times since you got to Crestview... the speaking device wouldn't work. I just don't know but I do know this... I thank God everyday for that call. I thank God I got to talk to you one last time. 

We have had such a past you and I. You were my best friend. And I miss you. I would let you use my name, put anything in my name, act like me and open accounts if I could just have you back. I know that's not possible though. And now that you're gone.... I have such conflicting feelings about everything that's happened. What happened to you. The person you were on the motorcycle with. The person that was driving the car. Our own past. You hurt me so many times and violated my trust in the most terrible way. Which I don't choose to go into because it doesn't matter anymore. It just doesn't. 

We can't change what happened. And even with all that... the love, anger, hurt, grief.... I miss you. I have needed you so bad this past year. I have needed you to hold me and give me one your talks to set me straight. Your the only person who truly supported me. You would tell me I was wrong but still be there for me and love me. Just as I was always there for you when you did what you did. I have no idea how to reconcile all these feelings I have inside of me. I feel like they are eating me up and once they are done there will be nothing left of me. I know that's not true. It's just how I feel. I wish you were here. At times I wake up and I forget and then I remember. I dream of you at night and I wake up crying. I hear a song you used to sing and I cry.  

Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks. I hear your voice. No one elses.

I know you are in a better place now. I know you're watching over me. That was your biggest worry about when you finally passed when we would talk. She wasn't scared of death. She was scared of what it would do to her children once she's gone. Especially me since we were so close. She made me promise her years back that I would be okay. I couldn't make that promise. I told her as much. But I did promise I would try to be okay. But im not right now. I don't know when I will be. Its only been 4 months. Maybe in another 4 months I will be okay. I pray to God everyday to take all this pain and anger away. I haven't lost my faith in the Lord but I have lost faith in others. All I want to do is stay in my room and lock myself away from the world. I don't want to answer my phone, I dont want to be around people. I just want my momma. But I have my family that needs me so I can't do that all the time. I am blessed that I have my family to keep me going. 

I miss you momma and I will always miss you. You weren't perfect but no one is. And I learned early on that you were not just my mother. You were a friend, sister, girlfriend, daughter,etc. You would make mistakes just like every human being. And as I have grown older I understand it more than I did than. But you were perfect in my eyes no matter what you had done. 

I wish I could go back in time and answer that call from you on Sept 3 and 4th before you left Tennessee and got into the wreck. I wish I would of wrote you back before you got on that motorcycle. I wish I could of told you to be careful and that I love you and I would see you when you got home. Just so you would know that your daughter loved you but you know me. Of course I was asleep when u text me 8:30. I had taken the kids to school and went back to sleep and missed your call. I saw your message from earlier that morning but I was busy trying to get the kids ready. I wish I would've called you. I wish I could of been with your in Atlanta all the time but I couldn't be. I wish I could do some many things over. 

When I got that call hours after talking to your on March 10, 2017 telling me what had happened to you.... my heart shattered. Going to Atlanta on March 11, 2017... that was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Knowing I was coming to say goodbye to my mother. I am thankful we had the time with you that we had. I am glad we all got to say goodbye. 

When we were standing around your bed after we took you off the vent... them 3 hours were excruciating. I couldn't take my eyes off your chest. I wanted to make sure I saw you take your last breath and I did. I saw your chest no longer rising and even though I knew it was coming I put my head to your chest and heard your heart slowly stop. And it broke me when I realized you were gone. It shattered my heart into a million pieces and it has changed me. I don't know if I will ever be the same. I hope I can be. But I need time to grieve and heal. And I don't know when that will happen.  I know i'm not dealing with your death well. I just hope the strength you always saw in me will pull me through this time in my life. 

I understand why you wanted to kill yourself when you lost your parents. I get it now. But then again I don't. Because you had us. Me and Adam. My family is what has kept me going every day. Knowing they need me. So I understand but it was a selfish thing to do. But I forgive you. I know I never told you because I didn't forgive you before. All my life I have never been able to even when you brought the subject up. I told you I will never understand. But I do. I understand so much more now.  

You always made sure to the fun Granny. You had 8 grandkids and loved them all. You would let all the kids call you Granny. Blood or not. You had such a huge heart and it will be missed by everyone who knew you. Your smile is missed. Your sense of humor. Just everything. You lived your life to the fullest. How many people can say they have been to Paris? Well people like us ya know? You made your dream of Paris come true. Even though you didn't bring me lol and I was mad for years. Yet, I am glad you were able fulfill so many of yours dreams. I am glad you were able to travel like you did. You always loved to go new places. I will miss going to different the beaches with you and the kids. You always made sure we had fun. And we always did. I will miss you and the many things you did for my family. You had a love of life that amazes me still. 

Thank you for for giving me the wedding of my dreams. YOU made it possible. Without you I wouldn't of had a wedding much less such a beautiful one. I should've let you walk me down the aisle instead of David. I should of had both of you. That's another thing I can't change but wish I could.

The date March 11th will able be a day that is hard for me. I don't know how you and Daddy passed away on the same day 6 years apart. That is so wild. Yall had been divorced for so many years. So now when March 11th rolls around yearly... It was always a hard day before because of Daddy but now with you.... oh my gosh I don't know what I will feel, do, act, think. Lord give me the strength to get through the days when they come.

They always say God only gives you what He knows you can handle. And I have to believe that. I have to hold on to that in my moments of doubt, my moments of fear. I just don't know how to live my life knowing you're not in this world any longer. It's so hard. But such is life... like you always used to say.

Momma I love you. Your fight is over. I just wish I had you for a little longer. I wasn't ready. But I guess no one is ready for something like this.  May you rest in peace with the angels. May you hold our babies close and let them feel out love. I feel a sense of relief knowing you really are in the better place and no longer in pain.

Okay I have rambled enough. I needed to get this out. 

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